Call for Allies

An Open Letter to Faith Leaders and anyone who wants to ally

I am putting out a call for allies, both individually and institutionally.

I am a woman. 

I am entering my path toward becoming a faith leader. 

I am transgender. 

I could explain how much joy and pain and love and fear are wrapped up into those three sentences, but that is not really the discussion for today. Today I want to talk about my concerns and some possible solutions or ways to ally. 

First, I will lay out my general concerns and possible solutions in brief, followed by longer descriptions of the concerns and the solutions. (I have chosen this format so that people who are already allies, or have experienced marginalization themselves, can cut to the chase, reading only the brief, but for others who might benefit from more information, the information will be there.)

*Please note, these are my concerns, I cannot speak to any other transgender, Queer, or otherwise marginalized folx, though I suspect my concerns are echoed by others.

____________

General Concerns in brief:

·      Being Alone

·      Scorn and Danger from Others (with a specific focus toward bathrooms)

·      Uplift of the concerns/anger of those who belong to the dominant groups over or equal to the needs of those of us who are marginalized.

·      Misgendering

·      Silence.

General Solutions or Ways to Ally:

·      Perform the Hell out of your Allyship

¹

·      Uplift Queer Voices (and especially the voices of BIPOC Queer folx)

____________

Concerns in more Detail

____________________

• Alone.

Principle:

I start here. Transgender people are often alone. Just as many cisgender

²

 people do not know that they know transgender people, the same is true for transgender folx. Transgender and non-binary people make up an extremely small percentage of the population

³

and though more people have been coming out, partly due to the ability to connect and see others through social media, among my generation, the vast majority of that low number of people were completely closeted, as was I for decades.

Experience:

I am often the only openly transgender woman in the room. I am often the only openly transgender person in the room. I am often the first transgender person people know that they’ve met (they’ve met others, but those others were likely in hiding). 

Way Forward:

I have learned to be my own advocate. And I can advocate. But it wearies. Any steps taken by cisgender allies to welcome and advocate are so uplifting. And mistakes along the way are never an issue, if there is a heart and a will to learn and do better. There are suggestions below for ways to ally openly and vocally.

Step one: Be aware.

____________________

• Anger from Others:

Principle:

Transgender women, as a particular subset of Queer folx, face the real chance of harm for just being ourselves. This anger most often turns to action around bathrooms because, yes, even in my progressive city cis/het

⁴

 folx can absolutely freak out over a transgender woman peeing. But it is not restricted to bathrooms. This threat of violence is a particular concern for Black Transgender women

⁵

Experience:

In my case, I have not faced physical harm, but I have faced the seething anger of men who see me walking from the women’s bathroom which, I presume, their girlfriend/wife was also using. I have felt the stares backed by anger and seen other women hurry their children out and away from me just because I took a moment to wash my hands. And even my own progressive school district in a liberal city pushed to require me to use only all-gender bathrooms and not the same bathrooms my cisgender female peers had used for decades.

Way Forward:

Any church, synod or seminary can put signs up at each gendered bathroom that says, “We expect each person to use the bathroom that most closely matches their gender identity” — or something to that effect. A clear statement creates a baseline of welcome that becomes a starting point. It says to me that my institution has my back. It says to those who have come from places where they were isolated from the truths of inclusion and welcome that there is a baseline of inclusion backed by this RIC

⁶

church, synod or seminary.

____________________

• Uplift of the concerns/anger of those who belong to the dominant groups over or equal to the needs of those of us who are marginalized.

Principle:

I understand that there are people — too many people — who have been isolated from the truths of this wide and beautiful world. I am definitely on board with teaching people who have been excluded from the truth of Queer joy and inclusion. 

Experience:

But my own progressive school district used the uplift of those who don’t accept me as a woman to push me to use a different bathroom than the cisgender women with whom I worked, under the guises of, “But Vica, this is a new conversation for people,” and “But Vica, it’s about safety.” (To be clear, “The Conversation” is not new, it’s just that Queer people have been pushed away from the table and silenced for far too long. If a person’s concern is the safety of women, but they actively exclude some women from that concern, then they are not concerned about the safety of women. Transgender women are women.)

Way Forward:

Resist words or actions that uplift people who need to learn that place them on par with those of us who have been harmed.

As I said, I can help teach, but to do so I need to know my church, synod and seminary supports me fully.

Ultimately, when requests or conflicts arise: ask yourself - who do the policies and responses center? If it is not the needs of the marginalized person/people, respond in a way that cares for the marginalized and attend to changing the policy.

Here are a few phrases to watch for that might seem like honest questions but are usually weaponized against marginalized folx:    

·      “Well, I was just wondering, since we can now choose whatever gender we want, where does it stop?” (There is no “choice” in my identity. I am.)

·      “Well, I identify as a polyamorous platypus then.” (this and others like it are meant to mock and dismiss valid identities with a fictitious identity and it completely misses the point. I don’t “identify as a woman” any more than any cisgender woman. Just like cisgender women, I am a woman.)

·      “Oh, it’s not that bad.”, “Everyone has struggles.” Or: “Everyone has a bad day.” Or, ”Oh, I know, I’ve had people be mean to me too.” (These again dismiss the particular struggle marginalized folx face, the struggle I face. 

·      “Love the sinner, hate the sin” -- My life is not a sin. I am not a sin. I was made in the image of the divine exactly as I am, a Queer woman.

·      (There are many more aggressions cloaked as “opinion” and “conversation”, but I weary of listing them.)

____________________

• Misgendering

Principle:

Being misgendered is a fact of life for many transgender people. It is particularly a problem for non-binary people but also for transgender people who do not “pass”.

Experience:

I am a woman. Transgender is a modifier, like white or Black or feminist or rural or urban or any number of other modifiers that we can embrace as women. In my case, decades of societally sanctioned testosterone poisoning have given me a voice that sounds masculine and some characteristics of face and body that also seem masculine. Those traits don’t make me a man any more than a prominent brow line or broad shoulders make a cisgender woman a man. 

Way Forward:

Pay attention to your own language and that of others. If you inadvertently misgender me, or are corrected for other errors made toward other marginalized folx, the best response you can give upon being corrected is to say, “Thank you.” and then correct the mistake. (I’m sorry is less preferable because it forces the marginalized person to say something like, “It’s okay”, when it really isn’t).

It’s also very helpful to share your own pronouns. I’ll go into more on that below.

____________________

• Silence:

Principle:

A common response from people who could be allies, is to fall back on silence. This happens for a lot of reasons, but as with any marginalized group, silence in the face of oppression, sides with the oppressor. 

Experience:

I have watched as situations devolved in classrooms, as marginalized people were insulted or attacked directly and indirectly — “Well, it’s just my belief that . . .” Followed by how certain people were not real or their concerns were overblown. And the teacher just pushed forward with the lesson while marginalized people were further marginalized. 

I have felt the marginalization of being misgendered and mocked. I have had people “secretly” snap photos of me while sniggering. And I have noticed others shake their heads at the person doing harm, but remained silent.

Way Forward:

I recently had a “break-down” moment where emotions overwhelmed, and I spoke from frustration at the marginalization I feel. Okay. I ranted. But something magical happened afterward — One person spoke up in solidarity and uplifted my frustration at being a marginalized person and insisted the cis/het folx in the room needed to hear us. AND another person wrote to me privately to set up actual work toward solutions based on my needs.

Can you hear what happened and why it’s so important? People spoke up. Does that seem like just a normal thing to you? I can assure you that it is not. I have spoken so many times toward uplifting Queer folx and especially Queer Black and Brown folx, and the response is too often silence. 

____________________________

Further Ways Forward:

·      Perform the Hell out of your Allyship!

·      Use your pronouns

§  When cisgender folx use their pronouns, it creates a welcoming atmosphere for transgender folx and it normalizes the use of pronouns instead of othering those of us who need to share our pronouns.

§  Pronouns can be added to:

·      Email signatures

·      Zoom Names

·      Placards and Name tags. 

§  Point of Care: Please do not refer to pronouns as “preferred pronouns”. This is a relatively recent change in language that stems from the understanding that “preferred” implies that others are okay too. But they aren’t. For example, a cisgender woman doesn’t “prefer” she/her. She IS she/her. And so is a transgender woman. 

·      PRIDE Wear and Flags

§  Whether the Queer Pride rainbow or the colors of specific groups, like the pastel blue, pink, and white of the Transgender flag: wearing PRIDE wear is a way to perform allyship. Done alone, it is not enough, but backed by a desire to work and help, the signal acts as a sign to me and other Queer folx that you may be someone who is working toward allyship, that you may be safe. 

§  As an institution, waving the pride flags also acts to create a baseline of support. For instance, adding in PRIDE flags and BLM flags and uplifting other marginalized folk can enforce an idea that you are inclusive. Or if that’s not the right place, another visible space would also work. Pride flag stickers or actual flags supporting marginalized communities visibly displayed also reinforces a sense of welcome.

• Share statements of support:

§  I offer a simple phrase, added to email signatures or posted or worn visibly. Regular, repeated support matters. Here it is:

Transgender women are women. 

Transgender men are men. 

And Non-binary people are so delightfully valid. 

And Black Lives Matter.

§  I noted earlier the power of a simple phrase of inclusion at each bathroom: “Please use the bathroom that most closely matches your gender identity.” 

• Uplift the Voices of Marginalized People

o   It is always important to resist centering ourselves in the struggles of others. I have worked to learn this lesson in my work toward becoming an anti-racist human.  One way to do this is to uplift people from the marginalized community who are already doing the work.  

o   I am only now becoming aware of Queer and Black and other voices of marginalized people in religion, but it feels like there is a wealth of resources to draw from and center. Recently I read Patrick Cheng’s Radical Love that was a delightful Queer embracing theological work (from my perspective as a beginner in the formal world of theology).

o   In popular culture, I recommend TransLash by Imara Jones. She is a strong advocate and often shares stories of uplift (it’s easy to bog down in the sad, but pity is not terribly helpful). 

1. The Human Rights Campaign (HRC) has a wealth of resources. The page linked here includes many ways to be inclusive allies and talks about how to bring Queer allyship to our work as feminist and anti-racist people and organizations. 

2. Cisgender is the common term for people whose gender matches the sex they were assigned at birth. 

3. It is still difficult to find solid numbers for the percentage of the population who is transgender. I have seen estimates range from .03 percent to 3 percent.

4. Cis/het is an abbreviation for “cisgender/heterosexual”. There are some cis/het folx who read the term as an insult, preferring to think of themselves as just “normal”. I think we can see the problem with defining a dominant group as “normal”.

5. Cis/het is an abbreviation for “cisgender/heterosexual”. There are some cis/het folx who read the term as an insult, preferring to think of themselves as just “normal”. I think we can see the problem with defining a dominant group as “normal”

6. RIC: For my Loves who are not part of the ELCA, RIC stands for Reconciling in Christ, which is the framework our branch of Lutherans are using to work toward becoming a fully anti-racist Queer-affirming church.